


Live and Be Prosperous

by storiesfortravellers



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Fandom, Humor, Kirk/McCoy - Freeform, Meta, Ship Wars, Shipping, Star Trek - Freeform, Tropes, Various Pairings in Star Trek, kirk/spock - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2014-01-18
Packaged: 2018-01-09 03:43:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1141018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the Avengers are Star Trek fans and get into arguments over ships and other fandom things. Their handler, Sitwell, does NOT understand fandom.</p><p>For this prompt at avengerkink:<i></i><br/>The Avengers & Co are all fans of the same show/comis/movies/anime/other (fandom of your choice).<br/>But that doesn't mean that they agree on everything. Far from it. This fandom has multiples pairings and headcanons. Each character has its own OTP, ...headcanon, alternative interpretation and the like. </p><p>And sometimes, they fight about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Live and Be Prosperous

COMMUNICATION  
To: Agent Maria Hill  
From: Agent Jasper Sitwell  
Re: Avengers team internal conflicts

Per my assignment, I have been monitoring the team building efforts of the Avengers and making note of any threats to team unity. Recently, there has been a spate of disagreements in the Tower that have escalated to yelling, threats, or in some cases, physical violence. These are the incidents of which I am aware:

1) Drs. Banner and Stark, while working on a scientific project with Dr. Foster, had a heated argument about whether “Kirk” or “Picard” is superior. I witnessed this event myself, and I first assumed that they were speaking of men whom they knew; after hearing the discussion veer toward the issue of who is sexier, I assumed that these were ex-boyfriends. Then, when spaceships were mentioned, I wondered what security level these scientists have that they would know so much about a spaceship program I have never heard of. Soon, I became worried that the escalating tension in the argument would lead to Dr. Banner’s losing control. Luckily, Dr. Foster brought the argument to a close by pointing out that it didn’t matter who the better captain was, since Spock was the best character regardless. This calmed both Stark and Banner sufficiently that they were able to agree to continue their work.

I would like to point out that my childhood was not one which allowed for a great deal of exposure to popular culture, and that as an adult I actively shun mainstream entertainment, which is neither snobbish nor strange, merely a preference. I would also like to note that someone who understands the content of these arguments better might be more well-suited for keeping these conflicts under control. As it is, I only understood the nature of the discussion when Dr. Foster made her point (even I’ve heard of Spock. Something about living prosperously….)

2) A nice breakfast became a foodfight during a heated discussion over something called “the Reboot.” Apparently there is a timeline that was or was not preserved. While a foodfight sounds innocuous, it is important to consider that the team includes two genius scientists, two people with superstrength, and two highly trained assassins, one of whom has the most lethal aim on the planet and the other being Natasha. This situation means that throwing French Toast and bacon and, particularly, sliced oranges, can indeed become quite dangerous.

It is also noteworthy that Thor is a full participant in these debates; he has not had the time to adapt to Earth customs such as safe navigation of traffic patterns or using laptops without smashing them or respecting international border laws or understanding the inappropriateness of telling casual acquaintances about the details of his sex life, but he has had time to learn about Star Trek.

3) Stark became quite annoyed that Clint and Natasha were speaking a language he did not understand. Apparently, this language is spoken by fictional characters and is called “Klingon.” Again, two of our top agents, trained in language acquisition by the most expensive linguists in the world, have learned to converse in, and recite epic poetry in, a language that does not exist. 

The tensions heightened when JARVIS laughed at a pun Natasha made in this nonexistent language. JARVIS refused Tony’s request to translate, leading Tony to threaten to send a computer virus that would destroy all information technology connected to any sort of network. In the world. Luckily, JARVIS pointed out that Stark would have a hard time doing that without JARVIS’ help, and so Stark decided to leave so that he and Steve Rogers could keep an appointment for an activity called “cosplay.” I hope that cosplay isn’t a euphemism for something involving bodily fluids.

4-8) By far, the most divisive issue related to the Star Trek pop cultural products are those that involve “shipping.” It took several days of intel gathering before I gave up and asked JARVIS, who explained that “shipping” has an etymology from “relationship” and refers to supporting particular relationships between fictional characters, and often forming communities of interest around these shared “ships.” “Shipping” can also involve speculating about the sexual lives of these characters, and if the characters are aliens, about the anatomy of their sexual organs. Ships are often called “OTPs,” which may refer to “One True Pairing,” or possibly “Orgasm Tease Please," if Dr. Stark is to be believed. Which he probably is not.

After extensive analysis, I am offering informed speculation that the shipping-based alliances and rifts are as follows:

Kirk/Spock: Tony is the biggest promoter on the team for Kirk/Spock slash. From what I can gather, “slash” refers to sex. It could also simply be that Tony talks about sex a lot, and so I have gleaned the meaning of some of these words wrong. Rhodey also prefers Kirk/Spock, as does Jane and Jane’s intern who is not Darcy, whose name nobody knows. 

Kirk/McCoy: Clint is the biggest supporter of this relationship, often citing “the snark” as the reason for its superiority. While Natasha is a “multi-shipper,” or a supporter of multiple imaginary relationships among characters but not necessarily simultaneously, she is often in this camp as well. Darcy tends to fall into this category as well, because of her position that “Karl Urban is sex on a stick.”

Spock/Uhura: Pepper heads this alliance, and Bruce is often here as well, though he does also partake in the other ships occasionally.

Kirk/Khan: This is Thor’s favorite, due to his belief that a cold, murderous trickster can be healed with enough love and tenderness. While Steve was previously allied in the Spock/Uhura camp, since the appearance of the Winter Soldier, he has gravitated toward this field.

In addition to these main camps, there are several other ships, including Chekhov/Sulu (which Tony and Bruce like), Uhura/Gaila (which Clint and Thor like), and Pike/Kirk (which Tony likes to such an extent that Pepper and Natasha believe that it is due to Tony’s own ‘daddy issues.’) There are also several “OT3s,” the most common of which are Kirk/McCoy/Spock and Kirk/Spock/Uhura. There are apparently other characters such as Dax/Kira and Data/Geordi, that I have less information on. I believe that JARVIS’ favorite ship is Data/Emergency Medical Hologram.

I have previously filed incident reports for many of the confrontations related to said “ship wars,” but at the time was unable to accurately report the causes of these altercations. Now that I have mapped out the alliances, I believe I can offer the conclusions that:

-Iron Man and Captain America’s infamous rooftop battle atop the Tower, which was reported by all major media outlets and which SHIELD explained as a demonstration for charity, was actually because Steve said “I don’t see why Kirk/Spock is the most popular ship. Based on the first movie, those guys don’t even seem to like each other much.” Tony seemed to take this very personally, as if it reflected on his own friendship with Steve, and suited up for battle.

-Rhodey tried to have military funding cut from SHIELD after Clint said that ZQ’s eyebrows are “jacked.” Still no info on who ZQ is. Natasha and Clint retaliated by writing a story in which all the characters on the crew are “sex pollened” and every character has sexual relations with every other character, EXCEPT Kirk/Spock, because Kirk gives a long speech about how it’s obvious that the two of them would never be attracted to each other and only an idiot would think otherwise. This story was considered a direct insult to Kirk/Spock fans.

-Kirk/Spock fans retaliated by hacking into their rivals’ devices and inserting pictures of something called “chibis” into their webpages. “Chibis” are, to my understanding, pictures of characters that look like babies but, somehow, are not babies. The Kirk/McCoy camp escalated this by replacing all homepages of their rivals with a picture of a “manip,” showing Kirk and McCoy, apparently naked, having sex in the captain’s chair of a spaceship. The chair looks a little bit like Fury’s chair at Command, which makes the image all the more disturbing.

-The incident in which Agent Romanov threatened to stab Tony Stark was not related to Star Trek. It was because of something Tony said.

-There was internal dissension in the Kirk/Spock camp over who tops. Each side accused the other of using stereotypes of gender and sexuality instead of the characterization as presented in canon. The Kirk/McCoy camp then claimed that it was superior because it never had such arguments, which led to more tensions between the two most popular ships. This was the source of the series of explosions in Avengers Tower on the 16th.

 

In short, I believe that Star Trek is currently the greatest threat to the Avengers. Yes, I am including Loki, HYDRA, the Winter Soldier, and various aliens in that assessment. As suggested, I have contacted Agent Coulson at the recovery facility to discuss the situation, but Phil simply told me that I should make them all see that Tasha Yar is severely underrated. Again, as with almost every other conversation I have heard in the past several weeks, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

For the above reasons, I request the task of liaising with the Avengers go to someone more familiar with these shows until Agent Coulson is ready to return to being their handler again. If this is not possible, I will need to see a counselor about the possibility of taking a vacation for the preservation of my mental health.

Respectfully and a bit desperately,  
Agent Jasper Sitwell


End file.
